The great irony of
motherhood is that despite never actually being alone (hello, can I please
freaking pee in peace?!), you can find yourself feeling more isolated and lonely
than ever before. Whenever I'm feeling like I'm the only mother who's ever
silently sung "shut the hell up" in my head or gloated that my brownies were the
best on the bake sale table, I pop over to my Scary Mommy Confessions and
instantly feel better. There are other mommies just like me who don't always say
or think the right thing. They are crass and jealous and frustrated and insecure
and ... human. Hallefreakinglujah.

Here are some of my favorite mommy
confessions. (With one of my very own.) Can you relate?

1. I'm
wearing maternity jeans but I haven't been pregnant in six
years.

2. I hate reading bedtime stories. I only do it because
I know I have to. Sometimes, I just let them fall asleep watching
TV.

3. I kiss my young teenager goodbye in the morning as she leaves
for school, rising above the hormone-fueled snarling and histrionics. Then I
close the front door and flip her off, with both hands.

4. I
forget to brush my 1- and 2-year-olds' teeth. I am not sure why it’s so hard
for me to remember, but it’s a good thing that these teeth will fall
out.

5. Hidden in the pantry in a box labeled “flour” is top of the
line chocolate and a few joints. I rarely resort to it, but it’s a comfort
knowing it’s there.

6. I miss the career I gave up more than I miss my
son when I go to the grocery store. But I always get to go back to
him.

7. Once a woman asked me if I breastfed my baby, so I asked her
if she shaved her vagina. Sorry, you don't like personal questions? Me
neither.

8. I confiscated my teenager's stash of pot, gave her a
lecture, and have been smoking it ever since myself.

9. I joined a gym
just for the free daycare. I drop the kids off and read magazines and blogs
in the locker room.

10. At the end if the day, my needs are really
simple: To be able to shit in peace.

11. I throw candy wrappers
behind the couch and then blame the kids when my husband finds
them.

12. My kids hardy bathe in the summer. The pool totally
counts.

13. I knew my daughter had lice and I sent her to school
anyway because I didn't want to cancel my hair appointment.

14. I
buy store-made muffins and pass them off as my own for bake
sales.

15. Everyone thinks I'm such a great mom for teaching my
daughter how to read already. It wasn't me. It was the Leapfrog pen. I had
no idea she could read.

16. I have a favorite child and I am hardest
on him because I feel so guilty about it.

17. I clock out of
motherhood at 8 p.m. I'm so done that I walk out even if they aren't all
tucked in bed and go hide in the basement with my laptop and a beer.

18.
Mother dropping her kid for a sleepover at my house: “No food dye, no dairy,
just soy milk, only organic food, and we don’t eat ANY fast food.” I let them
eat all the junk they wanted. They seemed fine.

19. When my
daughter asked me what comes after a trillion, I told her "a gazillion." Um,
we are homeschoolers. Not supposed to just make shit up.

20. Three
kids and my husband has never changed a poopy diaper. He says he hates the
smell -- like I like it?! I'm going to shove the next one in his
pillow.

21. I often see kids and say, "My baby is WAAAY cuter." Not
every baby is cute.

22. I've been socking away $5s and $10s for
years and finally have two thousand dollars. No idea what I'll do with it,
but having my own money again is empowering.

23. Questions of the day:
1) How did the pepperoni get stuck to the ceiling? 2) Why didn't gravity
kick in & make it fall? 3) How did I not notice this? 4) When did we have
pizza last?

24. I put my kids to bed in their clothes so I don't need
to get them dressed the next day.

25. I confess that most days, I
feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Everyone thinks I have it all
together -- good wife, good mom, successful career -- but I really don't.
I'm ready to stop pretending to be perfect now.