Now that I’m the proud mom of two little girls, I say a lot of things. Things I
never thought I’d say. I hear sentences like “Who’s that pretty girl?!” in
octaves much higher than my regular voice make their way out of my mouth about
200 times a day. And by no means does it stop there. Other words that I never
imagined could be strung together leave my lips. And they’re always -- always --
spoken in a high-pitched, Muppet-esque tone. “I’m gonna get yooou!”

And
then there are things that I don’t say now. Things that I can’t, for the life of
me, ever fathom saying again. Things that seem like they’re from another life,
long, long ago. Things that I’ve never uttered, and may very well never. And I
don’t think I’m presumptuous in thinking I’m not alone. Here are 13 things you
will never hear coming out of a new mom’s mouth.

"I can’t wait to sleep in.”

“Let’s go to the movies
tonight.”

“See this Christmas bonus? Louboutins!”

“I love
traveling light.”

“Speaking of light, how about this car seat!”

“I
think I’m going to hang out at the spa for a bit after going for my
massage.”

“I think I’m going to go for a massage.”

“I’m exhausted
... from the gym.”

“Yes, I’m going to Target, but no, I wasn’t planning
on hitting up the baby section.”

“There isn’t a stitch of laundry to be
done!”

“You have two extra tickets for that concert on Friday? Count us
in!”

“Just between you and me ... I actually like washing
bottles.”

“Ahh, dinnertime ... the most relaxing part of the day.”