Ask Dr Ozzy

Too embarrassed to ask your doctor? Dr Ozzy is your answer. After using and abusing his body for decades, he wants you to learn from his mistakes

My brother has started to take cocaine when he goes out clubbing at the weekend. I’m terribly worried about him. What are the risks?

Susan, West Yorkshire

You’re right to worry, Susan. When you start taking heavy-duty amounts of cocaine, this white gunk starts to trickle down the back of your throat, and you find yourself doing that phlegm-clearing thing all the time — like a sniff, but deeper and gunkier. And that puts a lot of stress on that little wotsit that hangs down at the back of your throat — the epiglottis, or the “clack”, as I’ve always called it. In the mid-1970s, I was taking so much coke, I tore my clack in half. The bloody thing swelled up to the size of a golf ball.

I thought: “Right, this is it — I’m gonna die now.” So I went to see my doc. He asked: “What’s the problem, Mr Osbourne?”

“I’ve knackered my clack,” I croaked.

“You’ve what?”

“My clack,” I repeated, pointing at my throat.

“Let’s have a look,” he said, getting out his lollipop stick and his little torch. “Open wide. Say ‘Ahh’.”

So I opened my mouth and closed my eyes.

“Holy mother of Christ!” he screamed. “How in God’s name did you do that?”

“Dunno.”

“Mr Osbourne, your epiglottis is the size of a small light bulb, and it’s glowing almost as brightly.”

“Can you fix it?” I asked him.

“I think so,” he told me, writing out a prescription. “But whatever it is you’ve been doing — stop doing it.”

As much fun as your brother may be having, Susan, I have to give him the same advice: stop it, now.

My GP has put me on antidepressants. Do these drugs have any side effects I should know about?

David, Surrey

Antidepressants are fabulous things, David, but they’ll play havoc with your meat and two veg. I’ve been taking them for years and what I’ve found is, I can do everything except the aftershow fireworks. So I just end up pumping away on top of Sharon like a road drill all night.

I tried Viagra once, but by the time it kicked in, the missus was fast asleep. So it was just me and this tent pole in front of me, with nothing to do but watch the History Channel.

This week’s column is composed of fans’ questions for Ozzy over the years, but he is ready to answer yours. Email him at askdrozzy@sunday-times.co.uk

Warning: Ozzy Osbourne is not a qualified medical professional. Caution is advised